Yeast. Beer. They are one in the same. At least that is my conclusion after this incident. Approximately half way through my campaign to stop drinking, I concluded that by just drinking beer, I essentially had quit drinking. Beer is not alcohol. The problem with drinking beer is that you have to drink A LOT of beer to get any kind of effect from it. Being the problem solver that I am, I started drinking Southern Tier 2x IPA. This beer has a high alcohol content, 8.2%. After 3 beers, I could feel it. I drank the 2xIPA for about 6 months. It was great in that I did not have crazy episodes and blackouts that I normally got with bourbon. In that respect it was a big success!

IPAs, and especially 2x IPA, have a lot of calories, 2x IPA has 243 calories. These beers also have a lot of hops and yeast. I am not a scientist, but I am pretty sure that if all you drink are IPAs, every day, your body will accumulate a lot of yeast… and fat. During this period I had gained at least 30lbs. But the worst part was the rash. I contribute the rash to the yeast in the beer. The rash was on my toe and in the groin region. Some would say I had “jock itch” in the worst way.

I battled this rash for many weeks. I had purchased a Lotrimin spray and applied it to my groin region and toe regularly. It did keep it from getting worse, but didn’t cure it.

One fateful morning I stepped out of the shower. I have the same routine every morning. Fist I rub my left armpit with deodorant, switch hands and then rub my right armpit. I then spray Old Spice deodorant on my chest. Just one spray. I then hold the can behind my head, aiming down and away from my back, and spray just a half a spray. I then step back with my right foot to make sure my back is well covered. If you are curious, I do this because I want to smell just as good as I am walking away from you as I do walking toward you. It is the doppler effect but with smell.

When I stepped back to my normal stance, I noticed in the mirror… my rash. It was angry that day. Bright red. larger. angrier. The rash was simply alarming. After several weeks of using Lotrimin, the rash had gotten worse this morning. I remember thinking “Dammit! Thats it! I am going to fix this once and for all”. I decided that I was going to spray the effected area for 5 seconds. 5 seconds is a VERY long time in spray time. I started to spray the right side of the effected area. One One Thousand, Two One Thousand, Three One Thousand, Four One Thousand, Five One Thousand”. I was smiling “Take that!” I thought of to the rash.

Then there was a tingle. followed by some pain. flowed by excruciating pain. I have had four children, and I can tell you that this was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Yes. I had sprayed the OldSpice spray on my effected genital area… just the right side. Tears started streaming from my eyes. I turned to the bathtub behind me thinking I would soak my parts in the water. But realized it would take too long to fill up the tub. I looked back at the sink in front of me, thinking I could splash water on my parts. But I was too short. I couldn’t get my parts far enough under the tap. So I stood there. Eyes watering. Baring the pain. I just took it.

The pain did subside. I stopped crying. I gathered myself. Then I sprayed the left side, but just for 1 second….one one thousand. It stung. It hurt. Tears were produced. I know you are asking yourself, Why? Why would I do that? After much reflection and therapy, there are two reasons. One: I like symmetry. I like balance. The second reason stems from an incident 20 year ago. When I was in my early 20s, living in San Fransisco, I had gone to the dentist for a checkup and a teeth cleaning. They only cleaned half my teeth! The right side. The upper and lower teeth but just the right side. They advised me that I needed to schedule another appointment to have the left side done. I was furious. I demanded they finish the job but to no avail. I was so mad, I refused to give them any more of my business. I was going to find another dentist to finish the job. Because I am a chronic procrastinator, for six months I walked around with the right side of month sparkling bright, while the left side was a dingy yellow. I was a heavy drinker of coffee and red wine at the time, so the yellow was really yellow. Never the less, that dentist did not get any more of my business.

In summary, heavy beer increases your body’s yeast levels. This leads to rashes. OldSpice spray is not good for rashes and very painful. Symmetry is important, especially when it comes to your teeth and your parts.